The Point of No Return

Soon after Joshua was born I dealt with the "baby blues". I had never experienced anything like this with Rebekah, and all I really knew was that I was not myself. I cried really easily and was very moody. Now, if you know me pretty well you know that I am normally very even keel and let things slide off my shoulders for the most part. It takes quite a bit of stress to bother me much, and I tend to perform better under a little bit of pressure. Even when I experienced hormonal changes I would not deal with large dips in mood swings.

Everything seemed to change following Joshua's birth. I think part of it was the fact that I suddenly had to go to the hospital to have Joshua delivered 4 1/2 weeks early which was a huge surprise. I was not expecting that at all, and I was devastated. We were totally unprepared for Joshua's immenent arrival. Part of it was also dealing with a Cesaerean. I had a wonderful birthing experience with Rebekah, and I really wanted the same with Joshua. He was not handling the labor well at all, so a C-section was necessary. I really struggled with this for a while, and all of these things seemed to fall on top of me at once. I was also nursing Joshua, so the combination of these things sent me in a hormonal spiral where I felt so out of control of my emotions.

In the midst of my emotional and hormonal chaos Darrin brought up the discussion of permanent birth control. Ummmmm...are you telling me that you are asking me to never be pregnant again ever??? I couldn't even fathom it. I was crushed. Here I was with our second child only days old, and Darrin was ready to put a halt to more children. He quickly realized that it was just really bad timing.

Months went by and the more we both thought about it the more we started to meet in the middle. I finally gave Darrin the green light to have a consultation, but even after we met with the doctor and made the appointment I had a bit of uneasiness about it. Yes, I am content with our two children, and I would be perfectly happy if we didn't have any more, but am I okay with going out of our way to have no more?

As time came closer to the surgery date I had thoughts in my mind. Second thoughts. I didn't say anything to Darrin because I knew this was really important to him, but I began questioning if this is what God desires of us. Darrin has had such a peace about it. I have not. I thought about the verse in Scripture that says that "children are a blessing from the Lord". If we go through with this are we asking God not to give us any more blessings? Yes, I understand why Darrin wants to stop, but is God able to overcome these if His will is to give us more? I even thought about the song from Phantom of the Opera, "Past the Point of No Return". What a morbid song to be reminded of, but I just couldn't get it out of my head.

I never mentioned anything to Darrin until he brought it up the night before the scheduled surgery. He could sense my uneasiness. I was okay with it, but he told me he wants me to be 100% ready. What if I'm never 100% ready? All I know is that if God gave us another child I would be delighted, but if He didn't I would be just as happy. Some days I think it would be neat to have more children while other days I am ready to pull my hair out. I only have two arms, two legs for a lap, and two hips to carry my kids. Would adding a third to the mix pull more attention away from Rebekah who is desperately needy of me already? These are all questions I will have to continue to wade through and pray about. I'm just thankful that Darrin was so understanding that he was willing to cancel the surgery.